| Hello
I feel sick. Usually, when writing, not beginning each and every sentence with "I" is a good thing, but that is not important right now. Repeat: I feel sick. Yesterday someone mentioned to me that it seems as though I'm on a roller coaster ride. Comparing life to a roller coaster is so cliche it's not even funny, but it's true enough often enough where it just fits right now. Give me a minute or two to play the victim here because that is what I fell like. A victim. I feel a bit helpless to change this situation and that loss of freedom is stressing me out. I think I understand my body a little better now. When I am stressed, I starve. Food which is usually something I'm always game for, makes me feel like it makes things worse and so I avoid shoving globules of nutrition down my throat to my stomach. Eating disorder? Nah.
One day I will look back on this and read it, so long as this account does not get deleted, or xanga's servers lose all entries. That's okay though, if this entry gets deleted, because it's only serving as therapy at the moment. Now is probably a good time to write down what's going on in vague terms so that in the off chance someone actually reads this, they probably won't have a clear idea of what I'm talking about anyway.
Last month in May, after finals and whatnot were all finished, I took a leap of faith. No no, I'm not becoming a man of the cloth (I highly doubt I'd qualify if I wanted to), but I risked something. I haven't risked that something in a long time it feels. Okay, so now it's almost the end of June, but that risk still carries on to now. My insides feel as though someone with thin bony hands has vice-gripped my stomach and is wringing out all the juices and acid. Well, maybe not that extreme, but you get the point, whoever YOU happen to be. Back to that roller coaster bit, it's ridiculous. It's slow uphill, rush of excitement, and then just more anxiety. Personally, I'm not one for quitting on things, but if it's going to be like this for too many more months, I think I will probably collapse in a comical fashion: rigid, stupid expression glued on my face, and comatose. If Korean drama screenwriters got a hold of this story, it would be gold. It's happy and tragic and happy and tragic, and if those writers had their way, it most likely ends tragically. I hope and pray to myself, that it does not turn out that way.
To me, I have always believed in a kind of destined fate. Lack of food has not made me all crazy, but this is how I've felt for a long time. You hear in movies, most recently Kung Fu Panda, "There are no accidents". Well, this situation surely isn't an accident but it sure as hell is taking it's toll on my health on on the other people involved. I feel more sympathetic toward another person who has a big decision to make. It's their deciscion alone to make, however, it affects all those involved. I imagine if that person verbalized their thoughts in a blog like this, the feeling is mutual, a nauseating twisting of the body's innards. See, someone said something to someone which led them to talk to me about something and from there a decision must be made because the feelings of the other people are semi-clear, but the way to handle the situation is definitely murky. In fact, it is so opaque it reminds me of a solid smoke. You can almost see through the haze, but when you push against the gray gas, it doesn't budge, and there my friends and myself, lies the feeling of hopelessness. Keeanu Reeves called it "quicksand" on 'The Replacements', whatever, same damn thing. It sucks when what you want conflicts with hurting other people. I guess the choice is not up to me, and I still hope that everything will work out. I guess life would be mundane if we knew all the answers, but sometimes you just want to know a few of them.
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